i feel sad

in an all-encompassing, im fucking useless kinda way

i just wana sleep forever

my body wants food but it feels like too much work to go downstairs… i wish i could sleep off hunger

…ok maybe thats a lie. i just can’t keep up lately and that’s all ive been using this shit for. sorry guys.

i slept with a cute girl last weekend. it was awesome and i’ve had a crush on her for a million years so that was kind of hella rad. still feel ridiculously self conscious boning ladies and end up just ‘bottoming’ or whatever i don’t know how i feel about that.

i guess still trying to reconcile and sort out so much internalized queerphobia, leftover from high school and getting bullied and harassed for my (perceived?) queerness

probably also just that i haven’t slept with many people with cunts and more than one that i have were stone and/or gq / had dysphoria from touch so no go obviously and so maybe im just inexperienced and i just need practice! haha.

(it’s weird to feel inexperienced when yr as slutty as i myself am)

dear lord. ok, so I have (or try to) nothing against younger folks (I’m 25 so talking like, late teens, 20-21 yr olds ish age) but like

mostly my house is all 25+ punx, or barring that mostly everyone has lived on their own for years and has their shit together to some slight degree at least.

well my girl across the hall is on tour at the moment and she couldn’t find anyone to sublet her room except this 18-year old young grinder who is pretty chill but like

…you just finished high school

…is this the first time you’ve lived away from home?

…you’re really SKIPPING WORK at your day labour job when you said you have no money and rent is due in 5 days?

ummm

i mean whatever its cool and im sure its gona be fine and he’ll figure shit out. these are things that other roommates have needed (and gotten from us) support and help with figuring out regardless of age it happens

but it has the annoying side effect of

him bringing over really annoying boasty loud kids (older but less mature than him haha) who think they know everything and won’t shut the fuck up and let other people talk everrrrrr

and also bringing over other 18-year olds to hang out and get drunk and smoke weed in my house. i mean. i have nothing against 18-year olds. i don’t have anything against 18-year olds drinking and smoking weed (i did it too at that age and still do nbd) bbuuuuut like sometimes these are just folks he meets on the street? and who the fuck knows what their deal is? and i don’t really want to be a venue for wednesday night drunkenness for 18 year old kids who live with their parents and happened to meet my roommate on the fucking street randomly. totally inappropriate and frankly pretty weird!!!

was cooking dinner and this little drunky red-eyed 18 year old skater kid with swoopy hair and a novelty t-shirt comes on in and goes “woahhhhh what are you making?” i say, “fancy kraft dinner” and he goes “i’ll smoke you a joint if you’ll give me a bowl”

like WHAT OMG

i wanted to say “CHILD I CAN GET MY OWN WEED, THANKYOUVERYMUCH”

but realizing this kid was shit-hammered and stoned as shit i was nice and gave him a bowl of kd with vegetables and real cheese and smoked the last of his weed (he like, didn’t have as much as he had thought he’d put in his pocket, maaaaan)

i need to have a “talk” with the new roommate. specially cause he LEFT without taking this kid he brought over with him! thankfully kid left on his own but i mean ugh come on!

i hate being mompunx sometimes….

I don’t know I’ve been having a lot of amazing fucks lately.

I always feel pretty weird when I date people in general, this one’s a winner for sure, but it’s still kinda odd.

An excellent learning experience though, this is the first partner I’ve had (ie. person that I’ve been dating steadily for an extended period of time, am in daily contact with, etc) who is also seeing someone else besides me… and likewise this is the first poly relationship he’s been in where he’s had more than one partner. Meaning, usually I’m the one seeing other people and my partner is not; for him the reverse.

And it’s good, it’s making me realize that I have more jealousy in me than I thought but I’m most excellent at controlling it and being open and talking about it with the babe. And things are working well and really nice so far. I like him a lot.

I think I’ve realized that I really just can’t date straight dudes. Boning them is one thing, various levels of success on that front, but when it comes to dating, if I’m gona date dudes I think I need to stick to non-straight / queer / bi / pan fellows. The power dynamics of dating a straight man when I’m a queer lady(ish type) is just too fucked and I always end up feeling like they just don’t get it, or something. I don’t know. Too weird. Fortunately this boy is lovely and queer and poly and handsome and sweet and kinky as fuck so we both get to make out with other queer babes whenever and also have awesome sex where he chokes me and slaps me around til im a good girl and other times where i can bend him over and fuck his butt and smash his face into the pillow the little butt slut.

Basically that shit’s pretty solid.

It’s weird cause I haven’t really been hooking up with other folks here in a while (just once). The sweetheart of mine I was traveling with in Mexico is heading up this way (hopefully, if la pinche migra doesn’t fuck things up) and I’m stoked on that. I miss his squishy cozy body pressed up on mine and our late night talks of making total destroy.

I love that my life is full of love and babes and amazing sweet interactions and hot sex and romantic makeouts and shit. I welcome it and it multiplies forever

willingness to physically intervene with and or fight nazi scumbags

= instant boner

i know i know its probably silly but like, UNF yo!

oh yes also i feel fucking crazy and i hate it and cant actually fucking deal.

well. yea i can but not healthily

fuck everyone and everything

im drunk and i wish id gone and cuddled up with my main squeeeze and got laid maybe instead of sticking around for the last band and having to a) have a talk with douche bag central, and b) having to call out fucking nazi sympathizers on their douchebaggery and also c) having the whole room kinda chuckle away b) while simultaneously being stoked that a) happened but still basically writing me off completely

yeah thats cool punx not having punx backs,

actually i actually mean FUCK RIGHT OFF and I’M NEVER FUCKING SUPPORTING YOUR SHIT AGAIN (not like i reeeeeally did in the first place but still…)\

UGHGUGUJUGHHHH TOTAL DESTROY

HEY GUESS WHAT ASSHOLES

its totally not chill AT FUCKING ALL to wear a fucking NAZI HAT at  a fucking show?!?!!?!!!?!??? with likke, multiple nazi fucking symbols on it! what the actual FUCK!?!?!? do you NOT FUCKING KNOW THAT THERE HAVE BEEN POC AND INDIGENOUS FOLKS WHO HAVE BEEN BEATEN AND FUCKING BURNED ALIVE BY NAZIS IN THIS VERY FUCKING NEIGHBOURHOOD IN THE LAST FUCKING YEAR WHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT THEEEEEEEEE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK!~!!?!?!?!?!???????

like actually. what the fuck. what the fuck whatthefuckwtfwtfwtwtfwtf.

and youre trying to call me a stupid fucking picky punk and acting like im fucking overreacting?!? do you not actually realize that that fucking skull and crossbone was worn as a symbol of fucking pride by people who made genocide their fucking mission?!?! how would you even thiink that that is a chill thing to wearaosdiugaosiugoadga

and all i could do was hold back the fucking panic attack, confrnt him after already confronting that other dudebro who was getting aggro and weird with everyone AUGH like i actually hate that fucking house and those punks right now except for the one i just feel bad for cause he is the only other one who was like fuck that shit and stood up to it and was also fucking anxious and couldnt deal. cool, punks, real fucking cool

like yea nazism is totally something that’s so dead you can reappropriate that shite to look hip and edgy (that was SARCASM, big time!!!) fuck that shit.

fuck you, nazis.

fuck you, nazi sympathizers.

fuck you, people who think its just a hilarious “punk” prank to wear nazi shit, as a “joke” just FUCK OFF, not funny not chill srsly fuck off you give us ALL a bad name and you make me want to fucking smash your skull FUCK. OFFFFFFF.